Things

Alright ladies and gentlemen, the time has come for me to make a triumphant return to the internets. I'm going to start out by congratulating Koman Coulibaly (the ref for the US-Slovenian soccer game) for one of the worst refereeing attempts I have ever seen. Why would FIFA hire a ref when his nickname is Sleepy Eyes? That's just asking for trouble. Hell, I would have rather him take a nap in the middle of the field than have him blow his whistle. The guy either didn't try, or he was recently named the Slovenian president. He is also named to another important distinction. Going back to my first post, this guy is the new head of S.P.E.D. hands downs. (see what I did there?? hands downs... like he has... nevermind) Let's move along shall we?

I'd like to talk about Slovenia for a bit. People will make a big deal out of the fact that Slovenia (which half of Americans can't even point out on a map) only has 2 million people. I don't care about that. If you have skill you have skill. When I think of an Eastern European country, yes that is where Slovenia is, I don't think about great soccer, I think of two things- assholes and consonants. Assholes because I imagine thats what it smells like, and consonants because everybody has at least 17 consonants in their name. Fact. That's all I have to say about that.

I was cutting the grass today when I saw my neighbor, no more than 6 or 7, swinging on his swing set. He was a good 3 feet off the ground when he suddenly leapt

off the swing, and landed head first directly on a tree root. No joke. A part of me was like

"ha what a dumbass," but then a part of me was like "THE BLOOD IS

EVERYWHERE." He was a trooper though, He got up, LICKED THE BLOOD FROM HIS FACE, and kept on swinging. He looked like Brian McBride after that elbow in the 2006 World Cup, but instead of De Rossi elbowing him, imagine a polar bear. And instead of an elbow, imagine him eating his fucking face off. That's what this kid looked like. I promptly turned around and questioned my own manhood. I would have cried like a bitch, and this 7 year old is still swinging?? Oh well, shit happens.

I unfortunately have no encountered any more stupid people at ENP, however the outlook is bright. $.99 kids meals are back, which, as you can imagine, always draws in the best caliber people.

I apologize this wasn't as epic as the inaugural blog.

More to come next week, I promise.

Inaugural Blog

Hello, blogging world! This is my inaugural blog. It is kind of like the presidential inaugural ball, except mine is better because no black people were invited. I'm KIDDING! This blog is simply to poke fun at humanity. I will make fun of blacks, whites, asians, fats, (the people, not the food group), and everyone else in between; if you're going to make fun of one, you might as well make fun of them all. Everyone in this blog will have something in common, however. They will all be dumb. I've decided that dumb people need to be placed in a community, so that they can congregate together and have fun, without compromising the rest of us. I think I'll call it the Society of People with Educational Disabilities. Lets jump right in!

Friday, Dec 4, 2009

For those of you that don't know I work at a small restaurant chain called Eat n' Park. I don't know why they didn't call it Park n' Eat, so don't ask. This is where I come in contact with most of my dumb people. Today was no exception. My first table was a table of two women and one man. The two ladies ordered cappuccinos and the man ordered black coffee.

"Sir, this cappuccino is disgusting take it back."- Bitch #1 talking to me

"Oh, I'm sorry ma'am what seems to be the problem?" -Me

"OH MY GOD. This is disgusting."- Bitch #2

A little dramatic, but you have my attention.

"Usually when we get cappuccinos, they are delicious, but this just tastes like milk and

espresso."- Bitch #1

"Yeah, this is gross. Who would drink this?" Bitch #2

I'm going to state a couple of facts right now.

Fact #1- espresso+ milk= cappuccino

Fact #2- We have our first inductees into S.P.E.D. Congrats ladies.

I usually talk to about one person that deserves to be in my society during a normal work shift, but lucky for us, I'm not done. I got the privilege to wait on one of my old gym teachers from middle school, Mr. Cunningham. The only thing shorter than my patience with stupid people, is this man's shorts. OK, Mr. C, short shorts were popular in the 80's and into the 90's, but its the new millennium, I would invest in some new clothes. This story will shed light on just how "smart" you have to be to become a gym teacher.

I walk up to the table and see Mr. Cunningham. Phew, he doesn't recognize me. I then look over at his two little girls, probably 6 and 8 years old. One of them is wearing a fucking tiara, like she is miss goddamn USA. I'm instantly annoyed with this man. They all order the salad bar. Good, I don't have to deal with this guy anymore.

Ten minutes go by and I haven't talked to him since I took his order. (I'm really good at my job.) I was talking to one of my coworkers when I heard a full grown man yell,

"YOU GUYS HAVE MANGOS?!?!?"

I could tell by his voice that it was Cunningham. Time for some more facts:

Fact #1- I have worked at ENP for almost 3 years.

Fact #2- I have never seen a mango in ENP.

Fact #3- Mr. Cuntingham is going down.

"Hey girls, you want mangos?"- Cuntingham talking to his "adorable" daughters

"Sir, those are kiwis."-Me

"No, no, they're mangos."- Cuntingham

This is my least favorite part of my job. I am right, but the dumb ass customer thinks he is right. I call a coworker in for back up.

"Hey Aime, are these kiwis or mangos?"- Me

"Kiwis."- Her

"No, you're both wrong."- Cuntingham.

He's starting to make a scene. A few of my other tables are looking at him. I can hear them whispering "Those are kiwis right?" Am I the only person in this place that knows one mildly exotic fruit from another? Literally, the only two similarities between a kiwi and a mango is that they are both fruits, and they are both delicious. One is NEON GREEN, and one is NEON ORANGE. I just can not believe a grown man can be this stupid.

He deserves a spot in the society; maybe even an executive spot. I may have lost the battle, but I won the war. I brought him his check and charged him about $15 dollars more than I should have. He didn't notice.

That wraps up our first session together, but I promise there will be more. Thank you all for reading.